Taking a new step, uttering a new word, is what people fear most.
-Dostoevsky
Fear is a funny thing. When we’re kids it serves a paramount purpose; to protect, warn, and guard. And then, somewhere after age 10, the need for self-preservation and protection arise and fear becomes an sheathed excuse for a myriad of programmed behaviors.
I was thinking the other day, wondering really, why it took me so long to sell one of my businesses; one that I’d long since tired of. The truth is, I didn’t want to let go. What would the new owner be like? Will I get a fair price? How will this impact my reputation?
So many fears. When the deal was finally done, not only was I relieved that my venture was in competent hands, I wished I’d sold it sooner.
This made me ponder: Are there other areas in my life where fear is at the reigns, tugging my head from one direction to the next? The next few days were spent in evaluation. Why did I live in my city? Why did I chose this career? If I truly believe that limits are boundless, am I spending my life the way I want to?
Sadly enough, I only answered a partial “yes” on the last question. When I decided to shine light into the places fear kept dim, I knew that the only career truly interesting to me in this moment is writing. Not just any writing, creative writing. I’ve started along that path by finding an agent, submitting to studios and even getting work here and there, but I’ve resisted by not clearing my day of incidentals. Making my schedule too full to focus my time was an excuse; it was fear manifested.
I’m now writing a book called “90-Days Without Fear.” The book will chronicle my change in thought process over the next three months and hopefully inspire others to not be afraid of living life outside of fear’s cloud.
Making decisions based in truth instead of a hundred What Ifs and Am I Sures is already proving challenging for me. It was only when I’d made a conscious decision to do otherwise that I’realized everything from why I spend time with some friends, to my work hours were impacted. I’ve also realized how fantastic I am at lying to myself. The line between rational fear and constructed fear seems thin at times and I am quick to use that as a crutch in sticky situations.
There is hope in the fact that no matter what spin I apply to a situation, my heart always penetrates my intent. If I’m trying to wiggle out of an opportunity for growth, I can feel it. I’ve heard it said that writing a book is as much a spiritual journey as it is literary. I look forward to every experience it will bring me.
“I have almost forgot the taste of fears.
The time has been my senses would have cool’d
To hear a night shriek, and my fell of hair
Would at a dismal treatise rouse and stir
As life were in’t. I have supp’d full with horrors;
Direness, familiar to my slaughterous thoughts,
Cannot once start me.”
—- Will - Macbeth
This entry was posted on Tuesday, August 14th, 2007 at 10:22 am and is filed under Intentional Living, Perspective. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.
One Response to “…Because I’m scared”
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August 22nd, 2007 at 9:22 am
Something you said caused a “ping” in me! It was about filling your days with stuff that prevented you from doing what you wanted and needed to do. I have recently realized I may need to restructure my days — being busy doing the ‘to do’ list is always a good excuse for being busy! But what about what really needs to be done and what I really want to do? Hmmm, I think I am trapped in fear. Can’t wait to see your book published.